Lukewarm

lukewarm- adjective
1. moderately warm; tepid
2. having or showing little ardor, zeal, or enthusiasm; indifferent

Have you been lukewarm before? Meaning have you shown little zeal in something? I know I have. When Jesus said that walking with Him isn't going to be easy, He wasn't kidding. My life, as of right now, has been going through a lot of ups and downs. It's never really consistent. One week, I would be devouring God's Word, and the next week, I didn't even touch it, except of Sundays, of course. That's really fickle. Friends and siblings have told me before that I'm too hard on myself and perhaps I am. But still. Overtime, I can't forgive myself for becoming lukewarm because I think that God is tired of being on fire on occasion and being nothing the other. I think that God gets tired of me sometimes. I keep wishing that I would just be consistent. But, one can never really be consistent unless one wants to, right? Every week the Devil is working-- working on trying to make you lost contact with God. A lot of times, when a little doubt creeps up, I let that overtake me. When a bad day comes, I let that control over me. Oh, I always forget that I can win these everyday battles!

Actually, lukewarmness is really an interesting topic. Since I really don't know where I'm going with this post (You know how it is when you start writing, one thing leads to another and you forgot what point you were trying to make? Yeah, that's what's happening to me right now. Didn't I tell you I was bad at writing? Sorry!!) I'll just stop here and hopefully!!!, I can get a study on lukewarmness on.

Faux Paint

First of all, Happy Valentine's Day! I'm actually not going to talk about love today (even though I'm listenting to Lea Salonga as I write this-- cheesy music, for those who doesn't know Lea Salonga) but something hungs heavily in my mind and I can't get out. Well, let me start from the beginning. Today, at school as I was in my practice room in the band hall, a friend came in and we talked for a bit. And then he said, "Do you know Jared Newman (in respect of privacy, I changed his name)?" And I squealed in delight. (I'll tell you later why I squealed.) My friend continued on, "Whenever he passes by, I feel so uncool." Or something like that. I can't quite remember what he said. I really didn't know how cool Jared Newman was, since I'm homeschooled and take classes at the high school, but he was good looking and I'm sure he won as homecoming king by a lot. But anyway, I asked what he does and why he is cool. Another friend (girl) came in and instantly joined in our conversation. She really didn't know him either but said, "He's cute and has a pretty voice." But apparently, from my guy friend in the room, he is good at everything- sports, talking, music, etc. But instantly, I wanted to find him and ask him,"Is it hard keeping up with the status?" And my mind had been thinking about how many people (including me) paint ourselves with lies? I'm not saying that the cool kid probably isn't good at what he does, but I wonder if it's hard to keep up with expectations. I think it is. I wonder how many people put on a plastic smile and pretend that everything is okay? I know that I do sometimes, but every time I feel worse. I guess what I'm trying to say is, sometimes people look like they have it all-- hey, I do that quite often-- like they are strong. But when I'm out of sight, I question my strength and they're all gone. I'm so happy that Jesus Christ knows me everything about me-- my griefs, pride, dislikes, likes, passions, dreams, lies, thoughts, weaknesses, strengths, etc.-- so that I don't need to pretend. I have to always think that even though they look capable on the outside, they are really hurting. I don't know about you, but I do that a lot. I need to be honest with myself and God, and say,
"I can't stand on my own. My delicate pride is holding me up. Be my strength and pride."

I don't know if that all makes sense, but I hope it did because it had been on my mind for a long time and wanted to share it!

Sheanah   

Beginning

I've always wanted to write a blog but I never thought I write good enough. And I still don't... But I'm going to write one anyway. Does blogs usually have theme? My theme? Well just my life. :) I'm a  Christian homeschooled girl and there comes battles with that as well as new discoveries and redemption. I'm not perfect and some people know that better than myself. Lol.

I was saved at the age of 10. It was a school night, and Someone moved me to write a story. It was a rather confusing story now that I think about it but then it made perfect sense to me. You are probably wondering what it was all about-- well, it was about humans being robots and that the controllers are God and Satan. (See? Didn't I tell you it was confusing?) Well the story went somewhere like this: If us humans choose to let God control us, then that it good and if we let Satan control us, that is not good. I don't know but somehow it made perfect sense to me. I showed it to my younger sister and after reading it, she asked me if I wanted to get saved. And I said yes. We went downstairs and asked my Dad how I can get saved and he showed me and we prayed. That was an eventful night of July 5, 2005. Since then, as every Christian goes through, sometimes I would be burning for God. And there were times when I was just cold towards Him and there other times when I didn't really care. But I want to change that and that hasn't been easy. Jesus did tell us that living for Him wasn't just a walk in the park.

The title of my blog came from Jeremy Camp's song called 'Take You Back'. It's such a powerful song to me because many times I've fallen I feel defeated and angry at myself. There were times when I could have never forgiven myself for it. But Jesus forgave me and will always take me back. There are so many things I've failed at and it's mind blowing that God would forgive me and take me back and restore me. Sometimes, I don't even understand His love. My mind cannot grasp His love. It's way too much. And every time I think of that, I cannot do anything except fall on my knees and worship-- and what worship He deserves! And much more that I am not adequate to give! But all He wants is His children committed into worshipping and living for Him. And oh, it's easier said than done, isn't it? Well, He's not going to leave me or you. He never will.

Well, as a last thought, this blog is about anything really-- my joys, struggles, favs, and such. :)

SW